Sarah & Ian Hoffman

Building a culture of kindness. One book at a time.
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J. Crew, I Love You

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You may have seen the J. Crew ad featuring Jenna Lyons, J. Crew’s Creative Director, and her pink boy. Jenna said in the caption, “Lucky for me, I ended up with a boy whose favorite color is pink. Toenail painting is way more fun in neon.”

Jenna, I love you. You’re brave and ballsy and badass. You’re promoting the idea that boys who like pink nail polish are cool—and their moms are awesome. You’ve launched a new national debate around gender norms, and my readers know how much I love that.

Fox News reported today that the ad sparked controversy over the meaning—and repercussions—of promoting such counter-cultural ideas. Erin Brown, spokesperson for the conservative media watchdog Media Research Center, said, “Jenna’s indulgence (or encouragement) could make life hard for the boy in the future.” Right. Because bullying is not caused by the systemic degradation of feminine boys promoted by people like Brown or Dr. Phil, but parental acceptance of kids who are different from the norm. That totally makes sense.

I encourage you to comment on the Fox site, to make your voice heard among the Fox News readers, who might have, uh, differing views from yours.

And J. Crew? You are awesome for supporting pink boys and their loving, accepting parents. You are awesomer still for holding up one of the only positive images of pink boys I’ve ever seen in mainstream media. You are awesomest of all for taking on gender inequities, unspoken bias, and, ultimately, bullying of boys who are different—even if you didn’t really know what you were getting into what you posted that ad.

If my readers are so inclined, I encourage you to contact J. Crew at contactus@jcrew.com and tell them what you think of their bold move. I wrote just a moment ago to tell them exactly how awesome I think they are. Because we need to celebrate every joyful victory that comes our way, and commend those who help get us there.

 

I’m sharing my awesome with Momma Made It Look Easy and you can too.

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Queen Esther, Again

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I posted this blog last year at Purim time, and I find it’s just as true this year as it was last.

Happy Purim to all of you! May we remember Queen Esther, and her bravery as she stood up for her authentic self and her people.

It’s Purim, the Jewish holiday I love for its signature cookie, Hamentashen, for its dress-up potential, and for its wonderful tale of social justice and feminine strength. I’m also loving thisessay by Anat Shenker about the holiday, and her three-year-old son’s desire to dress up as Queen Esther. My son Sam dressed as Queen Esther in kindergarten, and, fortunately for Sam—and thanks to gender education in the classroom—his costume went over splendidly.

This year, Sam dressed as Anakin Skywalker from the third Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith (for those of you who have been reading Sam’s story, how’s that for gender-bending?). My husband and I went to Sam’s school yesterday for the annual Purim talent show. Near the school entrance, we bumped into the head of school. He was dressed as a woman. With his shaggy brown wig and beige gauze skirt, he looked more like a hippy cavewoman than the fabulous transwomen I see walking around San Francisco every day. But still, the sight of the head of school in women’s clothes made my day.

I’ve been trying to get the school to do a training for the entire school community–teachers, students, and parents–for the nearly three years that Sam has been there. We’ve found both a loving attitude toward Sam as an individual and an administrative reluctance to bring his gender nonconformity to the attention of the broader community. At times, particularly when he gets harassed in the bathroom by kids who don’t know any better (and should not be expected to know any better, until the adults in their lives commit to teaching them), this makes me furious. But yesterday, with the school’s Purim celebration in full swing and the head of school dressed as a woman, I thought: this school is modeling the message I want heard, in a language everyone can understand. It’s no replacement for gender training, but it’s a wonderful message just the same: Dare to be different. Gender lines aren’t fixed. Be yourself, and you just might end up a leader.

 

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The Unitarians and I

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I am honored to be speaking this Saturday afternoon at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Berkeley. Rev. Chris Holton Jablonski and I will be leading a facilitated discussion about supporting our kids in being their authentic selves, and working to build safe schools and communities. You are all invited.

I love the Unitarians. If I weren’t a reform Jew who is already Unitarian-ish anyway, I would become Unitarian. Unitarians believe in compassion and social justice, in the worth and dignity of each individual, in acceptance of other people even if they are different from who we are or who we expect them to be. They value learning from, and deepening our relationships with, people and situations who challenge us to think or act differently than we usually do. And they believe in actively making the world a better place for not just ourselves, but everyone. See what I mean? Don’t you want to be a Unitarian too?

Here’s the workshop description:

When Sarah’s son asked at age four if he could wear a dress to school, she and her husband weren’t sure what to do, fearing he would be teased by his classmates. Now, at age eight, Sam continues to defy gender norms, and faces new social challenges. How is it possible to let a child be who they are, but also protect them from society’s judgment?

Parents of gender-nonconforming children face particular challenges as they grapple with their own beliefs and biases as well as those of our culture, and as they see their children become victims of bullying at school and in our communities. But these challenges raise questions for all parents: how can we support our children to be their authentic selves? How can we work together to ensure that our schools, communities, and places of worship are safe places for our families? How can we turn our challenges and questions into means to broaden our sense of our deepest values?

Our children—whether gender-nonconforming or gender-normative, special-needs or typically-developing—push us to expand our thinking. What is acceptable? What does it really mean to accept our children as they are, not as how we expect them to be? How can we be ambassadors in the world for our children?

Sarah will share her own story as well as insights gleaned from parents across the country to illuminate the particular challenges faced by gender-nonconforming children and how these challenges relate to universal issues for all children and parents.

Please join me!

Saturday, March 12 at 5pm

Unitarian Universalist Church of Berkeley

1 Lawson Road

Kensington, CA 94707

(510) 525-0302

 

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