Sarah & Ian Hoffman

Building a culture of kindness. One book at a time.
Menu

Skirts for Sasha

by

Last Monday, gender-nonconforming 18-year-old Sasha Fleischman was riding the bus home to Oakland from Berkeley when fellow rider Richard Thomas lit Sasha on fire. Thomas, 16, allegedly assaulted Sasha in this way because Sasha, a biological boy who identifies as “agender,” was wearing a skirt. Sasha, still in the hospital, suffered second and third degree burns and will face a long recovery; Thomas was charged as an adult with aggravated mayhem and felony assault, both of which have hate crime enhancements.

Since the incident, there has been an outpouring of support for Sasha. The community quickly raised over $20,000 (donations can be made here), and students at Sasha’s school wore skirts last Friday on Skirts for Sasha day. Tonight there will be a Stroll for Sasha organized “to send the message that love is more powerful then hate and violence, and to celebrate our vast diversity” and “to join together in celebration of a million different ways to be who we truly are.” Local readers who would like to attend: meet at Oakland High School at the corner of Park and Macarthur at 5:30pm; spaghetti dinner at St. Paul Lutheran Church afterward. All are welcome.

There has been so much love and support for Sasha, and so much broadening of awareness around gender, in and outside of Sasha’s community. Naturally a part of the support that we see is outrage. Outrage that one person would do this to another, outrage that it happened in the progressive Bay Area, outrage that a person–a teenager–should be punished simply for being themselves. We are fortunate that we have this outrage within and among us, fortunate that an event like this does not go unnoticed by all but the victim, fortunate that the awareness of gender diversity has grown so much in recent years that there even IS this outrage around us. Often, such awareness grows by leaps and bounds only after a shocking or tragic event. And so we sit–and donate, and act up, and stroll–and we try to hold this thing in balance, this thing which holds us in a place of both love and outrage, this thing which both changes the world and also which seems like too high a price for any one person to pay. 

 

Share

Operation Marriage Take Two

by

Somehow it escaped my notice that there are two copies of Operation Marriage sitting on my desk waiting to be sent to the readers who won them. (If you saw the mess on my desk, you would understand how this escaped my notice for two years.) The readers never sent me their contact info, and so they never received their books. Let’s try this again.

If you would like to win a free, signed copy of Operation Marriage, please comment below. If you happen to be one of the original winners, let me know and you’ll get your copy. And my apologies.

From my original review, which you can read in full here: “Operation Marriage tells the story of a spunky eight-year-old San Franciscan, Alex, whose best friend shuns Alex because she has lesbian parents. Set during the lead-up to California’s Proposition 8, the ballot measure that ultimately banned same-sex marriage, the story shows the impact that the struggle for marriage equality has on children—not just those from gay families, but on all children who witness the fight.” Click the link to read more.

I’m having a thought (and yes, if you could see my desk, you would find this impressive). And the thought is: Operation Marriage starts with conflict. My book, Jacob’s New Dress, starts with conflict. I love Operation Marriage; I love Jacob’s New Dress. But I don’t love that we need to include conflict in order to have a conversation about two women getting married or a little boy putting on a dress. Yet I know that these books are part of–and indicators of–a cultural change. It is happening. Just like the clearing of my desk is happening. Slowly, steadily, one step forward and two steps back. But it’s happening.

So comment below. And I promise I’ll send you your copy if you win.

-Sarah

 

Share

Gender Spectrum at Our School

by

 

Today our school had Joel Baum from Gender Spectrum come to talk to parents about kids and gender. I’ve seen Joel speak many times, and have spoken to audiences with him many times, but I have to say his presentation just keeps getting better and better. I was very inspired—and I learned new ways of thinking about this topic that I think a lot about.

One interesting exercise that Joel did was to ask the audience if we knew any men with earrings when we were growing up. Four people raised their hands (I was one, but I knew only one man). Then he asked if we knew any women with tattoos back then. Not a single person raised their hand. But how many earringed men and tattooed women do we all know today? Both have become almost the norm here in San Francisco and in much of the world. 

Joel reminded me of the Ladies Home Journal article from 1918 that said:

The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl. 

Fashion changes over time. Expectations change over time. While people have always had a range of gender expression, how they are allowed to express it in public has changed with the times. And it’s changing still.

Joel talked about patterns of behaviors and expectations—when we expect girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants, we’re simply following a cultural pattern we’ve learned. For most of Sam’s life, strangers have assumed he was a girl. But for the first time since he was a toddler, after he cut his hair last week a stranger assumed he was a boy. Joel pointed out that when people make assumptions based on gender norms they are not making a mistake, they are simply sticking with the patterns they have known. It’s only a problem if people respond unkindly after learning that a child’s gender presentation and biological gender are not the same. But responding—with surprise, with curiosity, with a willingness to change perception—out of a pattern is not the problem. When people can identify the pattern and expand their data set—Oh! Boys can wear dresses! Even if it’s not what I expected!—it’s not wrong, it’s right. As Joel said to us today, we are all works in progress.

Today, as a group, we talked about how we can reach a broader audience about gender inclusivity, and how to shift cultural perspectives in a way that opens up options for kids to be whoever they are. And we realized that talking, simply talking, is what makes a difference. That’s why I write. “We need to speak up whenever and wherever we can,” Joel said, “even if our voice shakes a bit.”

Share