Sarah & Ian Hoffman

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So…Gay, or Not?

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“Do you think Sam will grow up to be gay?”

I hear this question all the time, from family, friends, and strangers who learn about Sam’s proclivity for pink. It’s a question that reflects the asker’s assumption that boys who like pink must be gay.

Richard Green’s study (“The ‘Sissy Boy Syndrome’ and the Development of Homosexuality,” which I wrote about here) told us that 75% of pink boys will grow up to be gay or bisexual, and 25% straight.  A few pink boys will be transgender, with varying sexualities.  So, gay adulthood for pink boys is not a guarantee. On the flip side, we also know not all gay men were pink boys as children.

I think that assuming a child will be gay can be as problematic as assuming a child will be straight. In the same way that it’s problematic to assume a child will grow up to be a lawyer (when he wants to be an artist) or a teacher (when he wants to be a paramedic).  It places unnecessary limits and stresses on a child who is trying to discover his own way of being in the world.

The challenge for parents of boys like Sam is creating a space for them to grow into who they are, accepting whatever they become, and waiting—patiently—for them to tell us.  Just as soon as they figure it out themselves.

Gender Spectrum Conference

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I recently attended the Gender Spectrum Family Conference in Seattle. (I led a workshop, “Chronicling Your Story,” for parents of gender-nonconforming children wanting to write about their experience.) There, I met parents from all over the US and Canada, parents with kids just like mine.

I heard from parents who struggle with how to support their children in school, deal with bullying on the playground, and work with their schools to make bathrooms safe. I felt as though I was hearing Sam’s story, over and over—kids from four years old to young adults, kids living in cities and suburbs, going to public and private school, adopted and biological, children of two parents and one, with parents gay and straight.

Parents shared tales of woe—and sometimes horror—about the challenges our children face. But we also shared the wonder of raising children who know so clearly who they are, children willing to face vast adversity just to be themselves. In a room with so many parents full of so much love and compassion for their children, I realized that we are strong. Though we may be the only ones in our school, our neighborhoods, our towns, we are actually many.

We’re here. They’re pink. The world will get used to it.

It’s OK—I’m a Boy.

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Today Sam started second grade, and he used the bathroom. He used the bathroom. This sounds like something every second grader does every day, but for Sam, sadly, it’s not.

In first grade, whenever Sam walked into the boy’s bathroom—whether wearing a dress, or wearing boy clothes but damned by his long hair—boys would question his right to be there, yell at him, or tell him to leave. One kid tried to pull off Sam’s pants to check his boyhood. The stress wasn’t worth it to him, so he stopped using the bathroom. After school, his urine was dark and concentrated. After two weeks, the urinary tract infections started. It took us a while to understand that the UTIs were caused, fundamentally, by fear.

Along with his teacher, we came up with a solution so that Sam could use a separate bathroom at school. It wasn’t perfect, but at least he would be safe, less stressed, and no longer ill.

So this year, when he went into the boy’s room, it was a big deal. He reported that he walked in, saw two other boys, and said in anticipation of their reactions, “I’m a boy.” He peed at the urinal. Another boy came in, and the look on this boy’s face scared Sam. But the first two vouched for him: “It’s OK. He’s a boy.”

Sam was proud. He dealt with the issue himself before questions were asked. Sam spoke up the way parents spoke up against KRXQ, the California radio station that spewed hatred toward transgender children (read my response here). To KRXQ, we said: you can’t disparage our children, call them freaks, advocate violence against them. To the boys in the bathroom, Sam said: I’m OK, I belong here.

The parents spoke defensively. Sam—so bravely—spoke preemptively. Together, our message is clear: speak up, be proactive, make the world safe.