Sarah & Ian Hoffman

Building a culture of kindness. One book at a time.
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Ugly Betty

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I am all weepy, watching an old episode of Ugly Betty. Betty’s teenage nephew, Justin, has just been rejected by his best friend because he doesn’t fit in with the best friend’s posse of jocks.

Justin is a secondary character in the show.  He’s also one of the most remarkable characters on television.  He is a full-on pink boy, portrayed without apology, explanation, or mockery.

Justin’s mom, Hilda, a hairdresser from Queens who favors skin-tight, low cut animal-print dresses, knows a few things about the world. She tells Justin that he is perfect—that it’s the jocks’ problem, not his.

When Justin protests, his mother says: “No sweetie, you listen to me. YOU are perfect. But you’re gonna meet a lot of stupid people in your life and they’re just not going to get you. All that matters is that you never, for a second, change who you are.”

That’s when the tears start.

Hilda sees the boys’ bigotry, and she knows it is not about her son. The beauty of her speech lies in the way she offers Justin a path to self-respect.   She teaches him that he should never allow others to make him feel less than whole and perfect.  It’s not you, she tells him, it’s them.

I love this show.

(For a story about what it’s like for teenage boys like Justin to go to school, see yesterday’s “Can a Boy Wear a Skirt to School?” in the New York Times Style section by Jan Hoffman—no relation.)

Happy Halloween

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When Sam was three, he was a fairy for Halloween. The pink gossamer wings on his back didn’t stand out as much as the sparkly tiara on his head, so many trick-or-treaters mistook him for royalty.  “What a pretty princess,” they’d say as they placed candy in his tiny palm. “I’m not a princess,” Sam snarled back, “I’m a fairy!”

The funny thing was, no one considered that he might be a boy.

The next year, Sam was a character he made up—Gabriella Kitty Witch—his costume comprised of a purple lace dress, black pointed witch hat, and whiskers penciled on his cheeks. When he was five, he was a queen, regal in a burgundy velvet dress, holding a golden scepter. Last year, Sam startled us by wanting to be Luke Skywalker. Given that I’d never seen him express interest in a masculine costume, I really didn’t know what to think—except that Halloween is a time for experimenting, for being our truest selves or trying on new identities or being things we are not.

This year, Sam plans to be a vampire.

Each year, pink boys and their families wonder: Who do I want to be? If I dress as I want to, will the kids at school make fun of me? Can—should—we trick or treat somewhere where nobody knows us? There is no right answer; each family has to work out on their own what is tolerable for their family, in their community.

The Onion, America’s favorite satirical news outlet, recently posted a video: “How To Keep Your Fairy Son From Wearing a Girly Halloween Costume.” Because, you know, if we can’t know the answers, at least we can laugh about it.

Go Jonathan!

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Yesterday, The Atlanta Journal Constitution’s Alexis Stevens wrote an article about Jonathan Escobar, a 16-year-old who attended North Cobb High School in Kennesaw, Georgia wearing feminine clothes.

The article reported that the school told Escobar he had to dress in a more “manly” fashion—or leave to be home-schooled. The assistant principal allegedly told Escobar that his style of dress caused a fight between students; on his second day of school, Escobar says, a police officer came to school over concern about Escobar’s personal safety. Two days later, Escobar withdrew from high school.

The school’s student handbook can be found on their website. The handbook states that students “will refrain from any mode of dress which is distracting to classroom instruction.” An utterly practical guideline. However, sometimes when the world changes, it causes a bit of distraction.

Until the 1850s, women were expected to wear skirts. When early feminist Amelia Jenks Bloomer developed the first version of pants for women—bloomers—the world was shocked and outraged. Women were much-criticized for even considering wearing such an indecent article of clothing.

It wasn’t until eighty years later that pants became acceptable for women, when Marlene Dietrich appeared in film wearing them. By the end of the decade, Vogue magazine was declaring, “Your wardrobe is not complete without a pair or two of the superbly tailored slacks of 1939.”

I am waiting for the Marlene Deitrich of pink boys to popularize wearing gold lame flats to school. If women’s history is any indication, it’s going to be quite some time before boys like my son and Jonathan Escobar make any headway.

In the mean time, we can think on a few questions. Like: should a pink boy change because other people are freaked out by him? Should he be asked to leave school because other students are so riled up that they pick fights with each other? Might we consider, perhaps, some anti-violence and anti-bigotry training for certain students, and perhaps even for certain key school administrators?

In addition to asking questions, we might want to consider taking action. Here are just a few ideas:

Join the “Support Jonathan” group on facebook.

Purchase a hot pink “Support Jonathan” t-shirt on the “Support Jonathan” facebook page.

Write to Jonathan’s school administrators and tell them you expect them to allow diversity of gender expression at North Cobb High School: Phillip.Page@cobbk12.org, Greg.Barilow@cobbk12.org, Traci.Blanchard@cobbk12.org, Shauntice.Bryant@cobbk12.org, Steven.Butler@cobbk12.org, Jose.Colon@cobbk12.org, Melissa.Faklaris@cobbk12.org, Jackie.Turner@cobbk12.org

Speak out at your own school in defense of boys who are different.

Bone up on the challenges faced by transgender students by reading GLSEN’s Harsh Realities for Transgender Students.

And, in addition to asking questions and taking action, might we simply take a moment to marvel that this particular battle is taking place in the Bible Belt?

Go Jonathan!