bathroom problems Archives - Sarah & Ian Hoffman

The Omni-Gender Bathroom

November 24, 2009 by Sarah

Recently, while visiting the library of a small east coast college, I found myself in need of a bathroom. I encountered this one:

Later that day I sought out the bathroom I usually use on campus: a nondescript single-user loo in the social science department, a place I’ll call Bathroom B. I wanted to visit Bathroom B partly because I had to go, and partly to see how it had changed since my last visit to the college at the end of the summer. Unlike the Omni-Gender Bathroom, Bathroom B is still trying to figure things out.

I work at this college several times a year, and have enjoyed observing Bathroom B’s evolution. Every time I visit, Bathroom B sports different signage. When I first encountered Bathroom B, it had a sign that read “Women.” On my next visit it bore a hand-lettered sign: “Unisex.” The next time I saw Bathroom B it was simply identified with a glyph not unlike that of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

That afternoon, I found Bathroom B marked with a strip of duct tape and the word “Women” in black marker—a return to its roots. Given that I only visit quarterly, I imagine I’ve missed at least a few iterations of the bathroom’s identity.

What I appreciate about this particular campus is the students’ and faculty’s willingness to change with the times–only to reevaluate and change again. On the one hand there are transgender students who require a safe space in which to answer nature’s call. On the other there are female students and professors who wish to use a cleaner bathroom than that typically frequented by male users. What’s the resolution? No one knows. But this once-banal bit of signage on a small room meant to satisfy a physiological function is now the hotbed of a series of wrought questions spanning biology, identity, safety, and selfhood.

Duct tape is sturdy, but not permanent, so I’m guessing Bathroom B will continue to evolve. The Omni-Gender Bathroom seems to have found a more stable identity for itself. Who’s to say which is the better destiny?

It’s OK—I’m a Boy.

September 10, 2009 by ejayo

Today Sam started second grade, and he used the bathroom. He used the bathroom. This sounds like something every second grader does every day, but for Sam, sadly, it’s not.

In first grade, whenever Sam walked into the boy’s bathroom—whether wearing a dress, or wearing boy clothes but damned by his long hair—boys would question his right to be there, yell at him, or tell him to leave. One kid tried to pull off Sam’s pants to check his boyhood. The stress wasn’t worth it to him, so he stopped using the bathroom. After school, his urine was dark and concentrated. After two weeks, the urinary tract infections started. It took us a while to understand that the UTIs were caused, fundamentally, by fear.

Along with his teacher, we came up with a solution so that Sam could use a separate bathroom at school. It wasn’t perfect, but at least he would be safe, less stressed, and no longer ill.

So this year, when he went into the boy’s room, it was a big deal. He reported that he walked in, saw two other boys, and said in anticipation of their reactions, “I’m a boy.” He peed at the urinal. Another boy came in, and the look on this boy’s face scared Sam. But the first two vouched for him: “It’s OK. He’s a boy.”

Sam was proud. He dealt with the issue himself before questions were asked. Sam spoke up the way parents spoke up against KRXQ, the California radio station that spewed hatred toward transgender children (read my response here). To KRXQ, we said: you can’t disparage our children, call them freaks, advocate violence against them. To the boys in the bathroom, Sam said: I’m OK, I belong here.

The parents spoke defensively. Sam—so bravely—spoke preemptively. Together, our message is clear: speak up, be proactive, make the world safe.

“Get out! You’re a girl!”

August 25, 2009 by ejayo

“Get out! You’re a girl!”

The shout rang out from the men’s room in the Chicago airport, and I heard it all the way in the women’s room next door. My husband had taken our son, Sam, who is seven, to the bathroom between flights. It was not the first time I’d heard such a shout. I ran out with my daughter to find out what was happening to Sam.

Sam looks like a girl. Even that day—wearing khaki pants, a blue t-shirt, and grey sneakers—his long hair and pretty face trumped his boyish clothes. People inevitably think he’s a tomboy. His natural femininity makes boys in restrooms across America feel justified in screaming at him, believing that their knowledge of his gender is greater than his own, lunging, as one boy did at a New York airport, ready to strike until my husband stepped in. Kids in his own California elementary school tell him he’s in the wrong bathroom, ask him if he’s lost or stupid, and, if he stands up for himself and says he really is a boy, tell him to drop his pants and prove it.

A few years ago I read an article by New York Times writer Patricia Leigh Brown. Brown wrote about adult transgender and gender-nonconforming people who face discrimination when they try to use gendered public bathrooms. I had no idea that it would one day be relevant for my own child.