Sarah & Ian Hoffman

Building a culture of kindness. One book at a time.
Menu

3: A Friend

by

This is the third in a series about my son’s recent experience with bullying at school.

I emailed a close friend at Sam’s school, telling her of my despair at the futility of having one more meeting with the principal that sounds great and goes nowhere. I said that this has been a battle we have fought alone, and that we are losing energy for the fight.

But my friend said that I was wrong. She said that other parents are concerned about bullying, too. Particularly concerned since recently, a boy at a local high school committed suicide after facing social challenges. She said:

If someone brought in an expert to do a parent presentation on bullying, there’d be a huge turnout…I think we’re a group of people who understand what it’s like to be bullied and we want to protect our kids from both sides of this—no one wants their kids to be bullied, but no one wants their kid to be a bully either.

My friend helped me realize that we are not alone. That other parents may have an investment in doing this work alongside us. Because they don’t want to see Sam bullied. Because they don’t want to see their own children bullied. Because they don’t want their own kids to be bullies—or to be the kind of people who stand by when they see another person being hurt.

This was a whole new perspective. If the school sees that many parents care about bullying, if we are not the lone squeaky wheel, then maybe we can make a difference.

I’m still brokenhearted about what Sam is going through. But along with brokenhearted, now I’m inspired.

 

Share

2: The School

by

This is the second in a series about my son’s recent experience with bullying at school.

Sam’s teachers these last four years have been amazing; they have addressed bullying whenever they see or hear about it, and worked hard to build a culture of kindness in their classrooms. The administration has taken action to discipline children who have been cruel. And yet punishing bullying after the fact is not the same as preventing it from happening in the first place.

For four years, we have asked the school administration to do the work necessary to prevent Sam from being harassed—to implement a school-wide bullying prevention program specifically around gender identity. We have connected them with anti-bullying trainers, directed them to age-appropriate curriculum, shared studies showing the effects of acceptance on health and mental health outcomes for LGBT kids.

For four years the administration has felt our pain, sympathized, told us how Sam adds valuable diversity to their school community, said how grateful they are that we’ve brought our concerns to their attention.

And for four years, they’ve done nothing about it.

When I learned of the recent escalation of bullying against Sam, I thought, with dismay and resignation: “It’s time for yet another talk with the school.”  Then I thought, with dismay and resignation: “We’ve had these talks before, so many times, and here we are, with things getting worse.”

At what point do we call it quits? Find another school? Is there a school where kids who are as different as Sam is don’t get bullied?

 

Share

1: Heartbroken

by

This is the first in a series about my son’s recent experience with bullying at school.

Sam has always been different, but this year he’s different in a new way. After being a skinny kid all his life, about a year ago Sam started gaining weight. So now, in addition to being the boy with long hair who doesn’t play sports, the third grader who loves opera and medieval architecture, the kid with celiac disease and sensory integration dysfunction and a sleep disorder, he’s also the fat kid. And this week, his peers let him know exactly how bad he should feel about himself.

Monday: Kyla, never an unkind word before, starts calling Sam “fat.”

Tuesday: Adam, until-now oblivious to Sam, says, “You’re fat,” and “You’re a girl.”

Wednesday: Jonah, who has never bothered Sam in the past, tells Sam he has “big boobs.” Jonah explains: “When you look in the mirror and see long hair, your brain gets confused and thinks you’re a girl, so you grew boobs.”

And there has always been Janette, mocking Sam’s gender expression since the first day of kindergarten. Last year she was joined by Joe; together they have taunted Sam about his long hair and weight for all of third grade. This week, their meanness escalated in intensity as the two of them snickered at Sam whenever they saw him.

But Sam’s been fat all year. He’s been gender-nonconforming since kindergarten. And most of these kids have never paid attention to him before. So what happened this week in the collective third grade consciousness?

Does it matter?

 

Share