"boys can wear pink" Archives - Page 2 of 3

Skirts for Sasha

November 14, 2013 by Sarah

Last Monday, gender-nonconforming 18-year-old Sasha Fleischman was riding the bus home to Oakland from Berkeley when fellow rider Richard Thomas lit Sasha on fire. Thomas, 16, allegedly assaulted Sasha in this way because Sasha, a biological boy who identifies as “agender,” was wearing a skirt. Sasha, still in the hospital, suffered second and third degree burns and will face a long recovery; Thomas was charged as an adult with aggravated mayhem and felony assault, both of which have hate crime enhancements.

Since the incident, there has been an outpouring of support for Sasha. The community quickly raised over $20,000 (donations can be made here), and students at Sasha’s school wore skirts last Friday on Skirts for Sasha day. Tonight there will be a Stroll for Sasha organized “to send the message that love is more powerful then hate and violence, and to celebrate our vast diversity” and “to join together in celebration of a million different ways to be who we truly are.” Local readers who would like to attend: meet at Oakland High School at the corner of Park and Macarthur at 5:30pm; spaghetti dinner at St. Paul Lutheran Church afterward. All are welcome.

There has been so much love and support for Sasha, and so much broadening of awareness around gender, in and outside of Sasha’s community. Naturally a part of the support that we see is outrage. Outrage that one person would do this to another, outrage that it happened in the progressive Bay Area, outrage that a person–a teenager–should be punished simply for being themselves. We are fortunate that we have this outrage within and among us, fortunate that an event like this does not go unnoticed by all but the victim, fortunate that the awareness of gender diversity has grown so much in recent years that there even IS this outrage around us. Often, such awareness grows by leaps and bounds only after a shocking or tragic event. And so we sit–and donate, and act up, and stroll–and we try to hold this thing in balance, this thing which holds us in a place of both love and outrage, this thing which both changes the world and also which seems like too high a price for any one person to pay.

Gender Spectrum at Our School

November 8, 2013 by Sarah

Today our school had Joel Baum from Gender Spectrum come to talk to parents about kids and gender. I’ve seen Joel speak many times, and have spoken to audiences with him many times, but I have to say his presentation just keeps getting better and better. I was very inspired—and I learned new ways of thinking about this topic that I think a lot about.

One interesting exercise that Joel did was to ask the audience if we knew any men with earrings when we were growing up. Four people raised their hands (I was one, but I knew only one man). Then he asked if we knew any women with tattoos back then. Not a single person raised their hand. But how many earringed men and tattooed women do we all know today? Both have become almost the norm here in San Francisco and in much of the world.

Joel reminded me of the Ladies Home Journal article from 1918 that said:

The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.

Fashion changes over time. Expectations change over time. While people have always had a range of gender expression, how they are allowed to express it in public has changed with the times. And it’s changing still.

Joel talked about patterns of behaviors and expectations—when we expect girls to wear dresses and boys to wear pants, we’re simply following a cultural pattern we’ve learned. For most of Sam’s life, strangers have assumed he was a girl. But for the first time since he was a toddler, after he cut his hair last week a stranger assumed he was a boy. Joel pointed out that when people make assumptions based on gender norms they are not making a mistake, they are simply sticking with the patterns they have known. It’s only a problem if people respond unkindly after learning that a child’s gender presentation and biological gender are not the same. But responding—with surprise, with curiosity, with a willingness to change perception—out of a pattern is not the problem. When people can identify the pattern and expand their data set—Oh! Boys can wear dresses! Even if it’s not what I expected!—it’s not wrong, it’s right. As Joel said to us today, we are all works in progress.

Today, as a group, we talked about how we can reach a broader audience about gender inclusivity, and how to shift cultural perspectives in a way that opens up options for kids to be whoever they are. And we realized that talking, simply talking, is what makes a difference. That’s why I write. “We need to speak up whenever and wherever we can,” Joel said, “even if our voice shakes a bit.”

Book Review and Giveaway: Raising My Rainbow

October 3, 2013 by Sarah

While comments on this post are still welcome, the giveaway is now closed. The winners were announced here.

Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son is the story of C.J., Lori Duron’s sparkly boy-child. Lori sent me two autographed copies of her book to give away to my readers (leave a comment below for a chance to win—and if you are one of the two randomly chosen winners, I will mail you your own copy).

Reading Raising My Rainbow, I realized that Lori’s story is my story too, and it is the story of so very many parents I have spoken to over the years. The book captures the themes that parents of gender-nonconforming children often share, like self blame, fear of the future, and the fierce desire to protect our children from ridicule. She explores the effects that a gender-nonconforming child can have on their parents, siblings, and extended family. She talks about how it feels to be criticized by our families, friends, and strangers—and asks the questions so many parents of gender-nonconforming kids ask: what do we owe these people? What do we owe our children?

The book is lovingly written and touching, matter-of-fact and readable. It left me hungry to see where C.J. and his parents and brother went in the world, what they learned, how they struggled, how they overcame. And it helped that Lori is funny (“I texted [my husband] Matt, who was at work, a photo of C.J.’s crap in the toilet and the picture of him holding Belle at Target.”).

Lori and Matt clearly struggled—and probably continue to struggle, for this is an ever-shifting landscape—for a long time. But Lori realized early on that to accept and support her son was to give him a gift. And this realization helped her to let go of double standards in her own life (e.g., not letting C.J. take his feminine toys out of the house when his brother could take his masculine ones) as she began to see them in the world around her (why can girls wear pants but boys can’t wear a skirt?)

The book shows how our children help us to evolve—and how awkward and uncomfortable it can be to evolve in a context where the people around us are not evolving with us. “There is comfort found in expectations, but when they are squashed when your child is three, four, or five years old, you start to question why they exist at all. You attempt to move on without expectations and try not to be jaded when people around you hold tight to old, comfortable ones.”

In the end, I was left wanting to know more about C. J. and his family. Will his gender identity persist? How will he face teasing and harassment as he gets older? What will his parents do to proactively prevent bullying at his school? Perhaps we’ll find out in a sequel.

We—the mom and dad bloggers of the gender-nonconforming community—welcome Lori, and we welcome her book. Raising My Rainbow is an important contribution to the small but growing library of books affirming gender-nonconforming children to be entirely themselves.

Leave a comment below for a chance to win a copy of Raising My Rainbow. Remember to either include your email address or message me on facebook so that I know how to get in touch with you if you win! Winners will be announced Monday October 7.

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Gender Spectrum at Our School

Book Review and Giveaway: Raising My Rainbow

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