bathroom gender-variant "gender non-conforming" school Archives

Letters to School—A Transgender Teen

August 29, 2011 by Sarah

This post is the next in my series of letters parents have written to schools on behalf of their gender-nonconforming and transgender children (the first and second letters appear here). The following letter was written by Natanya*, the mother of Jamie, a transgender teenager entering high school. Natanya sent the letter to every teacher at her daughter’s new school; in addition to the letter, Jamie and her mother visited every teacher in person before the start of school to judge their reactions. At this first meeting, they all responded positively. They have since gotten permission from the principal for Jamie to use the girls’ locker room.

Dear teachers:

I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future, but in the mean time there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.

My child is an incoming freshman and is in your class (English 9, 1^st period; Algebra 1, 2^nd period; Health, 3^rd period; Spanish 1, 4^th period; Dance PE, 5^th period). On your roster, her name appears as James Renaldo, and her gender appears as male. However, my daughter is transgender; she identifies as a female, and her name is Jamie. It would be wonderful if you can correct the name on your roster before class starts so that Jamie does not have to make this awkward correction.

I am concerned because transgender teens have the highest percentage rate of discrimination, bullying, and assault (Jamie suffered all of these from students and staff at her middle school last year). Likewise, they have the highest percentage of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide. Jamie is in good spirits, I have no immediate fears about her emotional state, and I would like to look to you, her teachers, to please help her feel safe in school. The research by the California Safe School committee indicates that one of the most important factors in keeping trans students safe is having a trusted teacher or staff member who they recognize as an ally, and who will take action if the student is aggressed.

I understand that Gender Spectrum does training at your school, and that there are other LGBTQ students, so I am hoping that this year goes smoothly. I in no way intend this message to be confrontational, but just so that we start the year off on the same page I would like to reiterate that state law, and county and district policy supports the T in LGBTQ: “Transgender and gender non-conforming students have the right to be addressed by a name and pronoun corresponding to their gender identity. This is true regardless of whether the student has obtained a court ordered name or gender change. Intentionally addressing a student by the incorrect name or pronoun is a form of discrimination. The directive does not prohibit inadvertent slips or honest mistakes, but it does apply to an intentional and persistent refusal to respect a student’s gender identity.”

I also have some concern about where Jamie will change clothes, I hope that we can meet with Ms. Billings today or that Jamie can have a moment of her time tomorrow during class. Again, the legal standards are clear: “In locker rooms that involve undressing in front of others, transgender students who want to use the locker room corresponding to their gender identity must be provided an accommodation that best meets the student’s needs. Such accommodations can include: (A) use of a private area within the public area (a bathroom stall with a door, an area separated by a curtain, a PE instructor’s office in the locker room), (B) a separate changing schedule in the private area (either utilizing the locker room before or after the other students), (C) use of a nearby private area (a nearby restroom, a nurse’s office), (D) access to the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth, or (E) satisfaction of PE requirement by independent study outside of gym class (either before or after school or at a local recreational facility). It is not an acceptable accommodation to deny a student’s opportunity for physical education either through not allowing the student to have PE or by forcing the student to have PE outside of the assigned class time. Requiring a transgender student to use the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth is likewise prohibited…All students have a right to safe and appropriate restroom facilities. This includes the right to use a restroom that corresponds to the student’s gender identity, regardless of the student’s sex assigned at birth. Requiring the student to `prove’ their gender (by requiring a doctor’s letter, identity documents, etc.) is not acceptable. The student’s self-identification is the sole measure of the student’s gender, per Title IX and The California Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 (AB 357).”

I believe you are all compassionate people, and I am confident that Wawona High School will be welcoming.

Thank you for your consideration . . . and if you have any wish-list items for your classrooms, please let me know! 🙂

Sincerely,

Natanya Renaldo

*All of the names and places are pseudonymous.

Please vote for me on Babble’s Moms Who Are Changing the World! Just click this link and then click “like” to vote. Thank you!

I Need Your Help

December 9, 2010 by Sarah

I am writing to ask for your help getting the word out about my work.

I’m not asking for your help just so I can feel good about what I do (though you know that’s a part of it). I’m asking for your help because I would like to reach as many people as I can with a message of acceptance for gender-nonconforming kids. Of course this means that I want to find more allies—but I also want to reach out to people who have never thought about the ideas I talk about on my blog pages. The more people I speak to, the more I can do to make this world a place that’s safe for Sam and kids like him.

There are lots of ways you can help me, and I appreciate them all. Here are some ways to spread the word:

• Vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs and Picket Fence Blogs. These are easy, one-click votes, and, best of all, you can vote on these sites every day. Just go to my website and click the icons for these voting sites on the right-hand side of any page. People searching these voting sites stumble on blogs they wouldn’t otherwise look for, and this happens more often with the top-ranked blogs.

• Vote for me on Babble’s Top Mommy Bloggers (the link is also on the right-hand side of any page of my website). This is an annoying site when you’re looking for someone like me who does not appear in the top 50 blogs on the first page, but you can only vote on this site once. You’ll need to search alphabetically for Sarah Hoffman, Writer. Once there, click and you’re done. The more votes I get, the easier this will become—let’s get my blog into the Top 50! A Top 50 rank would provide great exposure for my work.

• Become my facebook friend.

• Suggest that your facebook friends become my facebook friend.

• Follow me on twitter.

• Recommend my blog to your friends. Post about my blog on facebook. Forward the link to my latest blog post to your community—your friends, family, teachers, neighbors, pastor, rabbi, pediatrician, and that dad you met at the park who said he wanted to wear a dress when he was three.

• When you read online essays and articles online by other authors about gender-nonconforming kids, GLBT issues, anti-bullying work, transgender rights, and other issues of accepting all kinds of differences in children, make a comment and include a link to my blog.

• And probably the best thing you can do is just to talk. Talk about your kids, talk about my kid, talk about all the different ways there are for kids (and adults) to express their gender. Talk to your kids. Talk to other kids on the playground (when Sam was little, I lost count of the number of times I said to other kids, “Didn’t you know that boys could wear pink shoes/wear a dress/have long hair?”). Talk to the parents at the park and in your child’s school. I believe in talking to as many people and types of people as I can. The more we talk about kids who are different, the more we make them less different, and the more we keep them safe.

Because my priority is safety—and I think it should be yours, too—I write and do public speaking under a pen name. Of course, when I’m talking to someone I know, or someone I meet on a playground or at school, I do that under my real name. It’s a balance—I feel strongly that the more I talk, the more hope I have of making the world a more accepting place. But the more I talk, the more I risk exposing Sam to the negativity in the world—negativity which those of you who read my writing know more about than most. So always remember: be safe. Be aware of context, and the tone of your audience. Make sure that you, your child, and your family are safe, first and foremost.

And then: talk. And tell people about what I do.

And know that you have my deepest gratitude.

The Omni-Gender Bathroom

November 24, 2009 by Sarah

Recently, while visiting the library of a small east coast college, I found myself in need of a bathroom. I encountered this one:

Later that day I sought out the bathroom I usually use on campus: a nondescript single-user loo in the social science department, a place I’ll call Bathroom B. I wanted to visit Bathroom B partly because I had to go, and partly to see how it had changed since my last visit to the college at the end of the summer. Unlike the Omni-Gender Bathroom, Bathroom B is still trying to figure things out.

I work at this college several times a year, and have enjoyed observing Bathroom B’s evolution. Every time I visit, Bathroom B sports different signage. When I first encountered Bathroom B, it had a sign that read “Women.” On my next visit it bore a hand-lettered sign: “Unisex.” The next time I saw Bathroom B it was simply identified with a glyph not unlike that of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

That afternoon, I found Bathroom B marked with a strip of duct tape and the word “Women” in black marker—a return to its roots. Given that I only visit quarterly, I imagine I’ve missed at least a few iterations of the bathroom’s identity.

What I appreciate about this particular campus is the students’ and faculty’s willingness to change with the times–only to reevaluate and change again. On the one hand there are transgender students who require a safe space in which to answer nature’s call. On the other there are female students and professors who wish to use a cleaner bathroom than that typically frequented by male users. What’s the resolution? No one knows. But this once-banal bit of signage on a small room meant to satisfy a physiological function is now the hotbed of a series of wrought questions spanning biology, identity, safety, and selfhood.

Duct tape is sturdy, but not permanent, so I’m guessing Bathroom B will continue to evolve. The Omni-Gender Bathroom seems to have found a more stable identity for itself. Who’s to say which is the better destiny?

Letters to School—A Transgender Teen

I Need Your Help

The Omni-Gender Bathroom

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