"gender variant" gender non-conforming parenting pink Archives

Letters to School—Alternatives to PE

August 30, 2011 by Sarah

This post is the next in my series of letters parents have written to schools on behalf of their gender-nonconforming and transgender children (the first, second, and third appear here). The following letter was written by Jenna Murase* to her son’s middle school principal. Jenna sought permission for her son to fulfill his PE requirement outside of school, because the school’s gender-divided PE curriculum would be detrimental to her gender-nonconforming son Nobu. For the letter, Jenna quoted extensively from the school’s own policies to reinforce her position—a strategy which worked very well.

Dear Mr. Jeffries,

We are writing to you in regards to Nobu Murase and his PE class starting in the 6^th grade. As we understand, you are fully prepared to accommodate Nobu in the mainstream program at Pine Lakes Middle School. However, given the sensitive nature surrounding Nobu’s gender identity issues, if the idea is to achieve his optimal emotional development we need to provide Nobu with an alternative experience at school. We feel that forcing participation in gym will be emotionally detrimental to Nobu and will cause his academic performance to go down.

Although Nobu has no physical disabilities which prevent him from participating, he does have emotional and social disabilities surrounding his gender identity that consistently cause behavioral issues during this class. Given that PE is mostly divided by gender, Nobu experiences a high level of anxiety, fear, and stress when attending this class for a myriad of gender-related reasons. His report cards from his last school clearly reflect the ongoing struggles he has had in the class socially.

We would like Nobu to participate in the classes that are not divided by gender. When classes are divided by gender we would like him to have the option to do a research project on anything to do with health, sports, or physical fitness, or to write a current event essay of some sort.

I can assure you that we can provide Nobu the physical activity, or active participation, that is required by law though figure skating lessons after school. To obtain his optimal physical development, Nobu will be at skating, or a skating-related activity, a minimum of five hours per week. Every time he participates in skating he will be dressed in the proper skating attire and using the proper skating equipment. One of Nobu’s weekly skating activities is an ice performance group. During this time he will learn how to work as part of a skating team that will foster a sense of sportsmanship, cooperation, and leadership. The group will be performing and competing at a number of venues throughout the school year.

Ultimately, as Nobu matures and “figures himself out,” our goal is to build his confidence with full mainstream participation.

Thank you for considering this option for Nobu. We look forward to working closely with you.

Sincerely,

The Murase Family

Thank you to Jenna and all the parents who have shared their letters! You are an amazing resource!

*All of the names and places are pseudonyms

Please vote for me on Babble’s Moms Who Are Changing the World! Just click this link and then click “like” to vote. Thank you!

Letters to School—A Transgender Teen

August 29, 2011 by Sarah

This post is the next in my series of letters parents have written to schools on behalf of their gender-nonconforming and transgender children (the first and second letters appear here). The following letter was written by Natanya*, the mother of Jamie, a transgender teenager entering high school. Natanya sent the letter to every teacher at her daughter’s new school; in addition to the letter, Jamie and her mother visited every teacher in person before the start of school to judge their reactions. At this first meeting, they all responded positively. They have since gotten permission from the principal for Jamie to use the girls’ locker room.

Dear teachers:

I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future, but in the mean time there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.

My child is an incoming freshman and is in your class (English 9, 1^st period; Algebra 1, 2^nd period; Health, 3^rd period; Spanish 1, 4^th period; Dance PE, 5^th period). On your roster, her name appears as James Renaldo, and her gender appears as male. However, my daughter is transgender; she identifies as a female, and her name is Jamie. It would be wonderful if you can correct the name on your roster before class starts so that Jamie does not have to make this awkward correction.

I am concerned because transgender teens have the highest percentage rate of discrimination, bullying, and assault (Jamie suffered all of these from students and staff at her middle school last year). Likewise, they have the highest percentage of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide. Jamie is in good spirits, I have no immediate fears about her emotional state, and I would like to look to you, her teachers, to please help her feel safe in school. The research by the California Safe School committee indicates that one of the most important factors in keeping trans students safe is having a trusted teacher or staff member who they recognize as an ally, and who will take action if the student is aggressed.

I understand that Gender Spectrum does training at your school, and that there are other LGBTQ students, so I am hoping that this year goes smoothly. I in no way intend this message to be confrontational, but just so that we start the year off on the same page I would like to reiterate that state law, and county and district policy supports the T in LGBTQ: “Transgender and gender non-conforming students have the right to be addressed by a name and pronoun corresponding to their gender identity. This is true regardless of whether the student has obtained a court ordered name or gender change. Intentionally addressing a student by the incorrect name or pronoun is a form of discrimination. The directive does not prohibit inadvertent slips or honest mistakes, but it does apply to an intentional and persistent refusal to respect a student’s gender identity.”

I also have some concern about where Jamie will change clothes, I hope that we can meet with Ms. Billings today or that Jamie can have a moment of her time tomorrow during class. Again, the legal standards are clear: “In locker rooms that involve undressing in front of others, transgender students who want to use the locker room corresponding to their gender identity must be provided an accommodation that best meets the student’s needs. Such accommodations can include: (A) use of a private area within the public area (a bathroom stall with a door, an area separated by a curtain, a PE instructor’s office in the locker room), (B) a separate changing schedule in the private area (either utilizing the locker room before or after the other students), (C) use of a nearby private area (a nearby restroom, a nurse’s office), (D) access to the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth, or (E) satisfaction of PE requirement by independent study outside of gym class (either before or after school or at a local recreational facility). It is not an acceptable accommodation to deny a student’s opportunity for physical education either through not allowing the student to have PE or by forcing the student to have PE outside of the assigned class time. Requiring a transgender student to use the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth is likewise prohibited…All students have a right to safe and appropriate restroom facilities. This includes the right to use a restroom that corresponds to the student’s gender identity, regardless of the student’s sex assigned at birth. Requiring the student to `prove’ their gender (by requiring a doctor’s letter, identity documents, etc.) is not acceptable. The student’s self-identification is the sole measure of the student’s gender, per Title IX and The California Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 (AB 357).”

I believe you are all compassionate people, and I am confident that Wawona High School will be welcoming.

Thank you for your consideration . . . and if you have any wish-list items for your classrooms, please let me know! 🙂

Sincerely,

Natanya Renaldo

*All of the names and places are pseudonymous.

Please vote for me on Babble’s Moms Who Are Changing the World! Just click this link and then click “like” to vote. Thank you!

10: Trust

June 15, 2011 by Sarah

This is the final post in a series about my son’s recent experience with bullying at school.

After heartbreak, frustration, a friend’s inspiration, and talks with other parents and the school counselor, we got busy. We met with the principal of the lower school. We met with the principal of the middle school. We met with the head of school. We met with a dozen parents in the school counselor’s office. And then we made a plan with those parents to host a meeting with the entire lower school—all 280 families—facilitated by the school counselor, to talk about what we wanted the school to do about bullying. We set a date, prepared an all-school invitation, secured a location, planned the agenda.

And then things started to shift.

Before we could hold that all-school meeting, the administration asked to meet with us. Ian and I were nervous, beset with that old sent-to-the-principal feeling. We reminded ourselves of all of our reasons for holding the parent meeting, our justifications, our rights. We prepared for a fight.

But instead of a fight, the administration offered contrition. We’re sorry, they said. Sam should have never have had to suffer at the hands of his classmates, they said. We realize it’s our responsibility to keep Sam safe, they said, and we have failed.

They told us that it is their job to make sure that each child who comes to the school is supported, and sees themselves reflected in the school. They told us that they had fallen down on that job, and wanted to make things better.

And then they outlined their plans for immediate, intermediate, and long-term bullying prevention work. The plans include hiring a new school counselor with anti-bullying experience, making bullying prevention the couselor’s top priority, launching a preventative anti-bullying curriculum in all grades, starting LGBT diversity training, and engaging parents through a parent/faculty/administration committee and teacher/parent education workshops.

This was so not the reaction we were expecting.

Then they asked us not to hold that parent meeting we’d been planning. We hear you, they said; making clear that it would not be helpful to have hundreds of parents telling them what they already knew. And though we’d been prepared to justify our reasons for moving forward with the meeting, we agreed. It didn’t make sense to antagonize people who were doing just about exactly what we’d asked them to do.

As we left I said to Ian, “Wow, I feel bad that we were amassing a parent army when they were planning to do all this work.”

Ian said, “Why do you think they’re planning to do all this work?”

Right. They’re doing this because the looming threat of hundreds of angry families got their attention. They realized that many parents care, and many children are facing the same issues Sam has been facing. And they seem to understand, at a fundamental level, that this work is essential to the wellbeing of their students. By broadening our focus from gender-specific diversity training to bullying in general, we’d engaged allies we hadn’t had before, and brought in people we never knew cared about LGBT issues. And our voices, together, cut through the mess of competing priorities that make up a school administrator’s life.

I am so immensely, entirely, deeply grateful to the parent group who gave this work the power it needed to become reality.

And so, although we had one plan, we made a different one. The new plan involves trust and optimism that the administration will follow through with their commitments. It involves faith, and a willingness to let go of our anger and frustration. Although, given our multi-year history of of problems for Sam, that faith is tempered with caution and the need to keep a close eye on what happens in the fall.

And our parent group waiting in the wings, watching.

But in the mean time, we’ve decided to trust.

Letters to School—Alternatives to PE

Letters to School—A Transgender Teen

10: Trust

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