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Book Review & Giveaway: Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon

October 29, 2010 by Sarah

Please note: while comments on this post continue to be welcome, the giveaway is now over.

Jacinta Bunnell, author of Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon, kindly sent me a copy of her book for review—as well as one to give away! To enter to win this imaginitive, gender-bending coloring book, please leave a comment at the end of this post. The winner will be randomly selected and notified by email—so please either friend me on facebook or include your email address in your comment so I can notify the winner.

Sometimes the Spoon, illustrated by Nathaniel Kusinitz, envisions what I am passionate about: a world where everyone can be themselves without fear.

Each page offers a graphic/textual vignette—some re-imagine classic fairy tales, and others come fresh from Bunnell’s broad imagination. The book expands the definition of what it means to be a boy or a girl, as well as explores different family structures, races, levels of physical ability—all the different ways that people can look and act and be when they are simply themselves.

“Our culture ridicules sensitive boys, tough girls and other children who do not fit into gender categorization,” Bunnell writes in the book’s introduction. “If we allow all people to unfold naturally into their true selves, we pave the way for a healthier, more loving world.”

Kusinitz’s drawings are simple, whimsical, and engaging—as my five-year-old daughter attests. Ruby loved the page captioned “Marriage is so gay,” excitedly coloring the pair of brides atop a wedding cake.

I especially adore the very first page, which pictures a furry horned monster with earrings, a bow in his hair, and a diminutive pocketbook—with the caption “Some beasts like pretty things.” There are plenty of pages that will appeal to pink boys (“Prince Charming searched high and low for the owner of the glass slipper…to find out where to get a pair in his size”) as well as tomboys (“Dinosaurs are a girl’s best friend”). And it does a nice job of bringing the two together (“For every girl who throws out her E-Z Bake Oven, there is a boy who wishes to find one”).

My eight-year-old gender-nonconforming son Sam does most of his own drawing these days and isn’t so interested in coloring books—but he studied the text of Sometimes the Spoon intently. As a coloring book, Sometimes the Spoon will light the imagination of kids as young as three, if they have reading help, and will appeal to most older kids as well. I know that if Sam had had this coloring book when he was struggling as the only boy in his kindergarten class who liked to dress up as a princess, it would have made all the difference. And the upper age for this book? The sky’s the limit—I’d color it myself if my kids would let go of it.

Bunnell dedicates the book to “everyone who has ever felt left out,” saying: “May there always be a place in this world for you.” Exactly. Buy Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon (it’s available here) for all the kids on your holiday list—because what better gift than the message of self-acceptance?

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Filed Under: Reviews Tagged With: "gender variant", "princess boy", "sarah hoffman", "Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon", "Sometimes the Spoon", "transgender kids", "transgender", gender nonconforming, pink boy

Beyond It Gets Better

October 24, 2010 by Sarah

Readers have been contacting me to ask: what more can we do beyond the It Gets Better project? The project, in the few weeks since its inception, has brought hope to millions of kids, shined a spotlight on bullying in schools, and launched a national grassroots movement with over 100,000 supporters, including President Obama. It is hugely important to let LGBT teenagers know that if they can make it past the terrible years of middle school and high school, life does get better. But isn’t it also time that we actually change the experience of going to school, so that kids don’t have to be disrespected, harassed, and bullied? Isn’t it time to send the message that such torment needn’t be a normal part of growing up?

I believe that it’s time for our schools to tackle the root causes of bullying. I know that this is hard work, not only because I am in my fourth year of trying to make progress at my children’s school, but because I hear from parents all across the country about the struggle to combat bullying related to gender identity and perceived sexual orientation.

So I’m trying again. And I hope you will try too, whether for the first time or as a renewed effort. This week I wrote a letter to the head of our school, the principals of the lower school and the middle school, and the school counselor, asking them to do more. I encourage you to write your own letter. If you need some ideas to get started, here are three things that you can say to your school administrators:

1. Acknowledge any anti-bullying or inclusiveness work that your school has done in the past. People hear you better when you acknowledge their efforts. And if they’ve done nothing, it will help if you are grateful that they are taking the time to listen to you right now.

2. Tell them that, in the wake of a rash of teen suicides related to anti-gay bullying, you need them to do more to protect your child. Share the ways that your child has been bullied or harassed, and let them know that yours is not the only child who suffers. Remind them that not a small number of kids from your school will grow up to be gay (some of these kids will figure this out in middle school, or even earlier), that there are LGBT families in your school, and that there are a fair number of gender-nonconforming kids in your school who (regardless of sexuality) experience challenges because of their differences. Tell them that the only way to get ahead of the bullying—to prevent it, rather than punishing it after it occurs—is to educate the faculty, staff, and the entire student body, in age-appropriate ways, in all grades. In this way, your school can work to prevent the kind of tragedies that have occurred across the country in recent weeks.

3. Give them some background. The GLSEN 2009 School Climate Report supplies helpful (though disturbing) information: at the time of the study, nearly 90% of LGBT students experienced verbal harassment at school, 40% experienced physical harassment, and 19% reported physical assault. Your school officials need to know this—and they also need to know that they can make a difference.

Give your school administrators some specific ideas for how they can develop their own anti-bullying curriculum. Here are some good ones to choose from:

– Welcoming Schools, a program of the Human Rights Campaign, provides K-5 schools with resources on embracing family diversity, avoiding gender stereotypes, and ending bullying and name-calling.

– Teaching Tolerance supports schools (using teaching kits, tips for students, and professional development resources) so that they can create inclusive and equitable K-12 learning environments .

– The GLSEN Jump-Start Guide for Gay-Straight Alliances and the GSA Network can help your school create a middle school Gay-Straight Alliance.

– Organizations like Our Family Coalition and Gender Spectrum can come to your elementary, middle, or high school to train faculty, staff, students, and parents about family diversity, gender roles, stereotyping, and anti-bullying in age-appropriate ways.

– The GLSEN Safe Space Kit is intended to help educators create a safe space for LGBT youth.

– The Trevor Project’s Trevor Survival Kit is designed to facilitate classroom discussions about gender identity, sexual orientation, and suicide prevention.

– Your school can bring in age-appropriate anti-bullying films such as Teaching Tolerance’s Bullied, Groundspark’s Let’s Get Real and Straightlaced, and the Trevor Project’s Trevor.

– Discuss bringing adults together by launching a Gay Straight Parent Teacher Alliance. We can’t be effective at ending bullying until we all have a stake in each other’s wellbeing—and inviting the straight families to join in the LGBT work of the community will let us grownups do what we are asking our children to do: to work together and respect each other’s differences.

And most of all, thank them. Thank them for all they have done, and for considering your requests. Acknowledge that it’s hard work to make change, but that you are fully committed to it and you know other parents will be too. Tell them that none of us can do it alone—but that together, we can save lives.

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Filed Under: Sarah Hoffman's Blog Tagged With: "bullying" "bullying resources" "gender nonconforming kids" "it gets better" "beyond it gets better" "sarah hoffman"

Some New Shade of Purple

September 12, 2010 by Sarah

In 2009, I attended a workshop at the Gender Spectrum Family Conference. Parents were talking about their children’s challenges in class, in the locker room, and on the playground. I raised my hand to ask a question about how to support my son, who was being hassled in the bathroom at school.

I began: “My son Sam is seven. He’s not transgender. He has long hair, and loves pink, and sometimes likes to wear a dress. He also loves Lego and Star Wars. He defines himself as a boy who likes both masculine and feminine things.”

The workshop presenter said: “Your son is transgender.”

I argued about this: Sam doesn’t say that he is a girl living in a boy’s body. His gender identity—which has been remarkably consistent since he first put on a pair of pink sneakers at age two—just doesn’t fall into either of the boxes that most people use.

But the presenter and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. He—born a girl, transitioned in adulthood, now a man—saw the world in a binary way, and assumed my child would also choose one gender or the other. But Sam is not interested in being just one or the other. After the workshop several parents came up to me and told me their kid is just like mine, an in-between kid.

I never did ask my question, which was how to talk to my son’s school about bathroom safety. It got lost during the presenter’s effort to define my kid. Which is just what I don’t want to see happen to my son: I don’t want to see his concerns get lost as people argue about what or who he is.

It’s amazing that the world is starting to talk about transgender issues so openly, that parents of transgender kids can attend a conference where they can hear from transgender adults who understand many of the issues they face. But I worry that we haven’t quite carved out a space for kids with non-binary gender expression, kids who don’t want to transition, kids who don’t fit neatly into the boy or girl box, kids who just want to be their own quirky selves.

I support the rights of transgender people to transition and live in their affirmed gender without fear and without having to explain themselves at every turn. And I also want to see people who are half pink and half blue or some new shade of purple be who they are. Without fear. Without having to explain themselves. And without having to fit into some box that was not made for them.

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Filed Under: Sarah Hoffman's Blog

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