Sarah & Ian Hoffman

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Some New Shade of Purple

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In 2009, I attended a workshop at the Gender Spectrum Family Conference. Parents were talking about their children’s challenges in class, in the locker room, and on the playground. I raised my hand to ask a question about how to support my son, who was being hassled in the bathroom at school.

I began: “My son Sam is seven. He’s not transgender. He has long hair, and loves pink, and sometimes likes to wear a dress. He also loves Lego and Star Wars. He defines himself as a boy who likes both masculine and feminine things.”

The workshop presenter said: “Your son is transgender.”

I argued about this: Sam doesn’t say that he is a girl living in a boy’s body. His gender identity—which has been remarkably consistent since he first put on a pair of pink sneakers at age two—just doesn’t fall into either of the boxes that most people use.

But the presenter and I weren’t seeing eye to eye. He—born a girl, transitioned in adulthood, now a man—saw the world in a binary way, and assumed my child would also choose one gender or the other. But Sam is not interested in being just one or the other. After the workshop several parents came up to me and told me their kid is just like mine, an in-between kid.

I never did ask my question, which was how to talk to my son’s school about bathroom safety. It got lost during the presenter’s effort to define my kid. Which is just what I don’t want to see happen to my son: I don’t want to see his concerns get lost as people argue about what or who he is.

It’s amazing that the world is starting to talk about transgender issues so openly, that parents of transgender kids can attend a conference where they can hear from transgender adults who understand many of the issues they face. But I worry that we haven’t quite carved out a space for kids with non-binary gender expression, kids who don’t want to transition, kids who don’t fit neatly into the boy or girl box, kids who just want to be their own quirky selves.

I support the rights of transgender people to transition and live in their affirmed gender without fear and without having to explain themselves at every turn. And I also want to see people who are half pink and half blue or some new shade of purple be who they are. Without fear. Without having to explain themselves. And without having to fit into some box that was not made for them.

What We Learned

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I spent Labor Day weekend at the Gender Spectrum Family Conference in Berkeley, where I led a workshop for parents of gender-nonconforming kids. Much of the focus of the Gender Spectrum conferences, so far, has been geared toward parents of transgender kids–children who insist, consistently and persistently, that the body they were born in does not reflect their true gender. There’s been less space devoted to kids who, like my son Sam, are happy with their bodies but prefer the clothes, manner of play, toys, and playmates (not to mention accessories) typically associated with the opposite gender.

The workshop came out of conversations I’ve had over the years with Gender Spectrum’s Director of Education and Training, Joel Baum. One of the things Joel and I have discussed is that being–and parenting–a transgender kid has a huge number of challenges. But being–and parenting–a kid who doesn’t quite fit into either the male or female box has its own set of challenges, some of which are quite similar to those of trans kids, and some of which are quite different. So last year, Joel and I hatched the idea to create a space at this conference for parents of gender-nonconforming kids to talk about the issues that our kids face, and that we face as their parents.

In my workshop, I encouraged the fifty or so parents in attendance to just talk, and to listen to each other. We talked about our kids being hassled in the bathroom, confusion in the classroom and on the playground, conflicts with school administrators, trouble with pronouns, talking to family members who don’t understand. Parents shared resources and ideas and support, talking more about their successes than their failures.

As we talked, it dawned on me that I’d unconsciously expected the discussion to be a real downer, as we reviewed all the ways that we’d all fought and lost trying to make space for our kids to be themselves. What surprised me is how much progress parents are actually making in homes and schools across this continent to broaden the definition of what it means to be a girl or a boy in an otherwise binary world. And what I clearly saw was how much love these parents have for their kids, how hard it is to exist in the not-knowing about where their children are headed, and how little they think they know—and how much they really do know.

And what we all learned was this: we are not alone.

Gender Spectrum on Forum

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KQED’s Michael Krasney aired a show today on gender-nonconforming kids and the Gender Spectrum conference, which will happen in Berkeley this weekend. I will be leading two workshops, one on writing and one on the challenges of raising gender-nonconforming kids.

Director of Education and Training at Gender Spectrum Joel Baum and psychologist Diane Ehrensaft, as well as Rachel Becker, the mother of a transgender seven-year-old, spoke eloquently about the challenges faced by children and parents who are broadening the definition of gender from the old binaries of boy and girl to, well, a spectrum.

The show is well done and worth a listen–and your comments. I hope to see many of my readers this weekend at the conference!

Praise for our books

“So many, many people need to read this book. Kids adults, politicians, administrators—there is not one person in this world that doesn’t need to digest and ponder the less of this sweet, simple, and very necessary (unfortunately) book.”

Kiss the Book April 3, 2019

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