Sarah & Ian Hoffman

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Letters to School—A Transgender Teen

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This post is the next in my series of letters parents have written to schools on behalf of their gender-nonconforming and transgender children (the first and second letters appear here). The following letter was written by Natanya*, the mother of Jamie, a transgender teenager entering high school. Natanya sent the letter to every teacher at her daughter’s new school; in addition to the letter, Jamie and her mother visited every teacher in person before the start of school to judge their reactions. At this first meeting, they all responded positively. They have since gotten permission from the principal for Jamie to use the girls’ locker room.

Dear teachers:

I look forward to meeting you in person in the near future, but in the mean time there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.

My child is an incoming freshman and is in your class (English 9, 1st period; Algebra 1, 2nd period; Health, 3rd period; Spanish 1, 4th period; Dance PE, 5th period). On your roster, her name appears as James Renaldo, and her gender appears as male. However, my daughter is transgender; she identifies as a female, and her name is Jamie. It would be wonderful if you can correct the name on your roster before class starts so that Jamie does not have to make this awkward correction.

I am concerned because transgender teens have the highest percentage rate of discrimination, bullying, and assault (Jamie suffered all of these from students and staff at her middle school last year). Likewise, they have the highest percentage of depression, self-mutilation, and suicide. Jamie is in good spirits, I have no immediate fears about her emotional state, and I would like to look to you, her teachers, to please help her feel safe in school. The research by the California Safe School committee indicates that one of the most important factors in keeping trans students safe is having a trusted teacher or staff member who they recognize as an ally, and who will take action if the student is aggressed.

I understand that Gender Spectrum does training at your school, and that there are other LGBTQ students, so I am hoping that this year goes smoothly. I in no way intend this message to be confrontational, but just so that we start the year off on the same page I would like to reiterate that state law, and county and district policy supports the T in LGBTQ: “Transgender and gender non-conforming students have the right to be addressed by a name and pronoun corresponding to their gender identity. This is true regardless of whether the student has obtained a court ordered name or gender change. Intentionally addressing a student by the incorrect name or pronoun is a form of discrimination. The directive does not prohibit inadvertent slips or honest mistakes, but it does apply to an intentional and persistent refusal to respect a student’s gender identity.”

I also have some concern about where Jamie will change clothes, I hope that we can meet with Ms. Billings today or that Jamie can have a moment of her time tomorrow during class. Again, the legal standards are clear: “In locker rooms that involve undressing in front of others, transgender students who want to use the locker room corresponding to their gender identity must be provided an accommodation that best meets the student’s needs. Such accommodations can include: (A) use of a private area within the public area (a bathroom stall with a door, an area separated by a curtain, a PE instructor’s office in the locker room), (B) a separate changing schedule in the private area (either utilizing the locker room before or after the other students), (C) use of a nearby private area (a nearby restroom, a nurse’s office), (D) access to the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth, or (E) satisfaction of PE requirement by independent study outside of gym class (either before or after school or at a local recreational facility). It is not an acceptable accommodation to deny a student’s opportunity for physical education either through not allowing the student to have PE or by forcing the student to have PE outside of the assigned class time. Requiring a transgender student to use the locker room corresponding to the student’s sex assigned at birth is likewise prohibited…All students have a right to safe and appropriate restroom facilities. This includes the right to use a restroom that corresponds to the student’s gender identity, regardless of the student’s sex assigned at birth.  Requiring the student to `prove’ their gender (by requiring a doctor’s letter, identity documents, etc.) is not acceptable. The student’s self-identification is the sole measure of the student’s gender, per Title IX and The California Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act of 2000 (AB 357).”

I believe you are all compassionate people, and I am confident that Wawona High School will be welcoming.

Thank you for your consideration . . . and if you have any wish-list items for your classrooms, please let me know!  🙂

Sincerely,

Natanya Renaldo

*All of the names and places are pseudonymous.

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Letters to School—Preschool Changes

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In my last post, I shared the letter that my husband and I wrote to the parents in Sam’s kindergarten class. Since my readers have a variety of school situations, and their children span a wide age range, I plan to share several letters from readers in the hopes that those of you writing your own letters will find some inspiration. And for those of you not working on letters, I’m hoping that it will be interesting to read about the range of situations, expectations, and styles that different parents bring to the experience of parenting and schooling gender-nonconforming and transgender children. (If you’ve written a letter that you would like me to share with my readers, please email it to me at sarah_hoffman@yahoo.com.)

The letter originally posted here has been removed at the author’s request. Sadly, the family found that writing a letter to their community backfired in disconcerting ways. Please know that the strategy of full disclosure is not for everyone. For those of you struggling with how to communicate with your communities, please contact Edgardo Menvielle at Children’s National Medical Center, Kim Pearson at Trans Youth Family Allies, or Joel Baum at Gender Spectrum.

It’s a New School Year

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I’m looking forward to updating you on what happens next in my series on school bullying prevention, just as soon as the story unfolds a bit more. In the mean time, I wanted to share that I’ve been nominated (by one of my awesome, so-far-anonymous readers, who I LOVE LOVE LOVE) as one of Babble’s “Moms Who Are Changing Your World” series. It’s a really cool series that celebrates moms who make a difference in our society through their activism and advocacy. I love their description of these moms: “Proving that being a mom doesn’t divorce you from your thoughtfulness, ambition or ability to get things done, these women are leaders in their fields, influencers whose thinking has spread into every corner of our lives.” I’m honored just to be nominated; I would be over the moon to be one of the 100 moms who make the final cut. Please vote for me! Voting ends September 20.

Also, as the new school year begins and many parents are anxious about starting new schools/grades with their gender-nonconforming kids, I wanted to share with you the letter that my husband Ian and I wrote to the parents in Sam’s kindergarten class at the beginning of that year (he’s now going onto fourth grade, so it’s been a few years). Many of you are working on similar sorts of letters right now, and you can feel free to use whatever aspects of our letter are helpful to you. And if you’ve written a letter that you would like me to share with my readers, please email it to me at sarah_hoffman@yahoo.com.

Dear Kindergarten parents:
 
We are Ian and Sarah Hoffman, the parents of Sam Hoffman. We are writing to introduce our family to those of you who don’t yet know us, to share some information about Sam with those who have questions, and to express our gratitude for the kindness and understanding that so many parents and children have shown Sam.
 
As you may know, Sam is a boy who likes to wear a dress, has long hair, and loves the color pink. Some parents and kids have assumed that he is a girl (which is quite understandable). Sam also likes traditional “boy” things, like knights, castles, and dinosaurs. Clinically, children like Sam are called gender nonconforming; we like to call him a pink boy—the male equivalent of a tomboy.
 
We have worked hard over the last few years to educate ourselves about gender-nonconforming children. We have learned a lot, though there is much we still don’t know—for example, we don’t know why some kids are gender nonconforming. No one knows whether or not a particular child will “grow out” of it. And it’s not possible to know whether in adulthood a particular child will be gay, straight, bisexual, or transgender (although we do think it’s too early to know these things for any child).
 
Here are some things we do know: gender expression is an important part of every person’s identity, and it’s inborn—not something we choose. Gender-nonconforming children are often teased and stigmatized for their differences, and research shows that their stress levels are higher than those of gender-normative kids.  Studies also show that support and acceptance from a gender-nonconforming child’s family, peers, and community make a huge difference in future health and mental health outcomes. For these reasons, we were very careful to choose a school community that would be accepting of Sam’s differences.
 
We realize that gender nonconformity isn’t something that most people come across every day, and that some kids have questions about Sam (Is he a boy or a girl? Why does he like pink? Aren’t dresses only for girls?). We also know that some parents have questions too. (Has he always been like that? What do I say to my child when she or he has questions about Sam? Will being friends with Sam make my son want to wear dresses?). We think these are all perfectly normal questions, and we want to do our best to answer them.
 
When kids have questions, simplicity is usually best. Some helpful answers are: “Everyone’s different.”  “Some kids like both feminine and masculine things (or girl things and boy things), and that’s OK.”  “Sam wears a dress (wears pink, has long hair, etc.) because that’s what feels best for him.”
 
As you can imagine, it is difficult for Sam to address questions directly from other kids. He doesn’t dress and act this way for attention, so the extra attention makes him uncomfortable. Therefore, we ask that you let your children know that it’s better for them to approach you, or us, or one of their teachers if they have questions.
 
If you have questions for us, or if you want to talk more about any of this, please feel free to call, email, or talk with us at school. We will do our best to address your concerns. Our teacher, Ms. Sunshine, is also very attentive to the situation and is happy to answer any questions you have, especially about how best to talk to your kids about gender difference. In addition, our school counselor will hold a discussion about gender nonconformity in December; details to follow. We invite you all to attend.
 
We are grateful for the kindness and acceptance so many of you have shown Sam these last two months. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
Ian and Sarah Hoffman

Please remember to vote for me on Babble’s “Moms Who Are Changing Your World” series! And thank you!

 

Praise for our books

“Jacob’s New Dress is a brilliant and beautifully illustrated book and a must-read for all of us.”

Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D., Director of Mental Health, Child and Adolescent Gender Center at UCSF and author of "Gender Born, Gender Made: Raising Healthy Gender Non-nonconforming Children" February 9, 2014

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